Holy cow! It is true, like the proverbial bad penny…I am baaaaack! This time however it is with a different vision and renewed commitment.
The past year has been a difficult one bringing me to a place in which my body is not really cooperating. I have successfully (mostly) managed my fibromyalgia over the past thirty (yes, that is 30) years. Sure there have been mild as well as a couple of serious flare ups but on the whole I thought I had it under control. But, then again, maybe I was just machoing my way through it. You know, the “I’m not gonna let this beat me” shit. And maybe that just set me up to wind up here in the land of I am so tired of feeling crappy and don’t know if I can keep working like I used to. Very scary place to be.
Soooo…I’ve been really evaluating my life and my options. And I have
only really come to one conclusion and that is that I have not chosen
paths that support my health or my dreams…I wonder if there is anyone else out there who has had that reality slap them in the face?! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I didn’t already have some inkling that this epiphany was just around the corner, I just couldn’t seem to face it. After all, if I have consistently been making choices that defeat my ability to thrive, then all I have to say is…”what the fuck???!!”
Just what have I accomplished? Worked long hours, beat my head against the wall, piled stresser upon more stressful stresser…for what?! Clearly not great wealth or life altering personal satisfaction but to just get through one day into another and another and so on.
Feeling bruised, battered, exhausted, and ground down. Yeah, yeah, yeah…poor pitiful me. I read this and that’s what I’m thinking but this disease or condition or what ever it is does sometimes make me feel pitiful and that is what I have been trying to understand over the past few weeks.
What can I do to change this? Because ultimately I am the only one who determines my road and if this one isn’t working, shouldn’t I get the hell off of it? I’m always telling my kids that they are the master of their own destiny so shouldn’t I maybe take my own advice? Yep, I do believe so.
Hmmm…so how will that look? I really have no fucking idea but I’m
pretty sure that doing this, putting words to screen is a part of it.
Mayhaps, even the biggest part of it.
And the fear that no one will read it and if they do, they won’t like it…well who really gives a flying fuck? Me? Let’s just say I’m trying not to…
Some People’s Kids: Scared. Unsure. Quick to give up their dreams. Slow to correct their course…